Pity, Party of 1--Your table is ready!

I have been both counting my blessings this weekend and, if I am honest, feeling kind-of sorry for myself. Most of the time, I realize that living with the OC is just a part of this rock star beautiful life I lead. It doesn’t really do any good to play the “what if” game. You know how that game goes: What if I hadn’t gotten cancer? What if I had gone to the doctor three months earlier? What if I had realized I wasn’t feeling well instead of chalking it up to work stress? And on and on and on… I don’t usually let my head go there. As with most things in life, it simply “is what it is”—and most of the time, it’s pretty darn great. But for some reason I have been sad this weekend. My head keeps wanting to pull me into what I have missed while accommodating this disease for the past 7 years (happy cancer anniversary to me this month!). To handle just these kind of days, I made a deal with myself long ago: for every problem you identify, you must sit with yourself until you find a corresponding blessing. The craziest thing about this exercise is, that if I do it in reverse, I can almost never find enough problems to match my blessings. Here’s how it works: Ten Beautiful Things About Living with the OC: 1) When given an opportunity to show great kindness, people almost always rise to the occasion. 2) It is possible to find moments of Joy in almost every situation. 3) Because people listen differently to what you say, your life can be an example of hope to many. 4) You realize that through your weakness, you become powerful. 5) You feel incredibly loved every moment of every day. 6) You have the man upstairs on the bat phone. He always picks it up. 7) Chemo makes you skinny…so you can eat ice cream and queso whenever you want! 8) You have the opportunity to live your life in such a way that you will leave it with no regrets. 9) You learn the value of every single day and you don’t take even one for granted. 10) One day you wake up and realize that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. And now the Ten Difficult Things About Living with the OC: 1) Fear that when the going gets tough, you won’t be tough. 2) Knowing that your struggles cause immense pain to those who love you. 3) Living so in the moment that you haven’t done anything to plan for a future. 4) Life delayed. And delayed. And delayed. 5) Feeling your physical body fail in dozens of tiny ways. 6) Feeling that you have let yourself become “the person with cancer” instead of a person who happens to have cancer. 7) Feeling like your brain doesn’t process like a normal person and that you are just a tad “crazy”. 8) 9) 10) SEE—it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME…I ran out of “gripes” at #7. I’ve got nothing for numbers 8-10. I’m sure I could think of a few more if I really sat here and tried, but it’s SO much more fun to do the blessing list. Whew! I feel better already. But--I am reserving my right to fill in the blanks the next time it feels just a little good to let myself feel just a little bad.

There...I said it.

There… I said it. cancer sucks. Cancer Sucks. CANCER SUCKS. PINCHE CANCER!!!! It’s the strangest thing, but so many people want an expression of anger from me around this disease. I think this is because that is what people who love you feel for you when they learn you have the Big C. They are angry on your behalf and an expression of anger from me means I share their pain at watching me struggle. So, I said it. I’m saying it today in particular because I just found out that yet another friend is facing this battle. I said it even though I don’t 100% mean it. I mean, no sane person would choose it--but at this point, it would be very difficult for me to imagine my life without the blessings that have come along with it. Nothing in life is free, dear friends. This includes the opportunity to have a true appreciation for the value of every single moment of this incredible life. That is what the Big C gives you. 24 hours of every single day of gratitude. SO—Cancer does suck. But it also rocks. Really, really rocks. Like Jon Bon Jovi when he’s singing “She’s a Little Runaway”.